Funeral Etiquette

Emily Post once said, "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others." Much of what we know today about etiquette comes from this woman, who published her first book of etiquette in 1922. When you use those words as your guide, the rules of funeral etiquette become easier to understand.

What to wear

Tradition has always required a certain level of formality in dressing for a funeral. However, today's end of life services are so varied – ranging from the traditional funeral to the often more relaxed celebration of life – that it's challenging to know exactly what's expected of you.

The advisors on the Emily Post website tell readers that "attire isn't limited to just black or dark gray. Remember, though, that it is a serious occasion and your attire should reflect that, especially if you are participating in the service. At the very least it should be clean, neat, and pressed as for any other important occasion."

What to say

No one expects you to say more than a few words and bereaved family members are often unable to give you their full attention anyway. So, keep it short and make it sincere.

"I'm so very sorry for your loss." may work very well. If you have time to add to those seven words, you might want to share a personal story about time spent with the deceased. But, watch closely for signs that your audience needs to move on to receive condolences from other funeral guests.

When speaking to other funeral guests, speak quietly. This is not a time to discuss business or share stories about your recent vacation. Instead, focus on sharing and listening to stories of time spent with the deceased.

What to do

If you're unsure about what actions to take when being led by a pastor or celebrant, simply follow along. If you're not comfortable, don't draw attention to your unwillingness to participate. Be discreet and respectful of others.

Always leave your cell phone in the car or at the very least, turn it to vibrate mode or turn it off.

How to Handle the Visitation

A visitation, or viewing, is a time prior to the funeral where guests are invited to view the casketed body or the cremated remains of the deceased. While it is customary to show your respects to the deceased by stepping up to the casket or urn, you may not feel comfortable doing so. That's perfectly alright - no one wants you to be unnerved by the experience, so focus your attention instead on providing comfort to the bereaved family.

After the funeral

If the deceased is to be buried following the service, the funeral officiant will announce the location of the interment. There will be a procession of cars formed to escort the hearse to the cemetery. Unless the family has chosen to have a private burial, those in attendance are welcome to join in the procession. However, don't feel obligated to do so. You may simply leave the funeral at that time or proceed to the reception location.

The funeral reception

Many families today hold a post-funeral gathering where food and refreshments are served. While this is a time to share memories, laughter, and even tears, your behaviour at a funeral reception needs to remain respectful. 

Follow-up with Kindness

If you've not already done so, this is a good time to send the family a sympathy note or card. About a week after the funeral, pick up the phone to check in with them to see if there's anything they need.

"Good manners," wrote Emily Post, "reflect something from inside – an innate sense of consideration for others and respect for self." We think that just about sums it up; no matter the situation – wedding, baptism, dinner party or cocktails with friends – her suggestions about good manners will serve us all well when observed.

 Sources:
www.emilypost.com